The easiest way to lose something is to want it too much.
Is that what is happening here? My heart is sinking into my chest. It is pounding and my stomach is fluttering just thinking about what could happen or what couldn't happen. How can I want something so badly, not knowing half of what it is or who he is? It is so difficult not knowing all the details of the plan You have in store for me. I don't know that I would want to know if it doesn't include my darkest desires. And perhaps that is why we don't. You know the best plan for our lives and ultimately our darkest desire might not be the best plan. Who knew that having this sweet darling of a child would be the perfect plan for me? Who knows what would have happened if I had chosen my path.
Why do I want him sooo much? It isn't just about the physical things - I wonder if it is just that for him? From that first moment I saw him at Chris and Anne's, there was something there - something I wanted to know more about. Then he pursued me - asked me from Cory's house. I just wonder if there is anything more there for him. When I ask, he says he would be interested if circumstances were different - if we lived closer. If... there is always an if. Should there be an if? I don't know... where would my boundary be, where would I call my if out. I need to have a way to say no. To not always give in to him. I don't know where my boundary with him is. Please guide me so I don't lose him. Don't want it too badly!
