This is it?

So, this is life. One dramatic pitfall after another. I cannot find a job that keeps my attention longer than a month and I suck at relationships. Really. I don't know who to talk to other than my little blogger friend here that no one really reads. I am burying myself in a pit of self loathing and it is hard to find a way out.  I really need something to go right. Something positive, now. Not something that is building to positivity later. I need a result. Something to let me know that I can keep pressing on and it will one day all be worth this suffering. (Minimal suffering, as it could always be worse, but seems terrible in the state that I am currently in.) I am crying out and am on my knees, begging for some mercy to keep me going. I often feel as if I should just give up, just stop what I am doing and remain in this self pity. I truly know that nothing can satisfy me but my relationship with Christ, but a few things here on Earth would be fantastic. Something to stop the tears from forming every time I get another blow. I am torn, tattered and bruised and I just need ice or a bandage or something. Close one wound so I can work through the pain of the next.

Back and tormented as ever.

This time no naming names. I am in turmoil. I like my friend, maybe. It's like a Carly Rae Jepsen song, but you have my number and I want to go out, maybe.

Are we capable of having a "just friend" of the opposite sex? I'm beginning to doubt it. Feelings, they just happen. They are there no matter how hard you try and suppress them and then, someone gets hurt. And just to note, that someone is likely going to be me. I am terrible at relationships and people and I don't know how to fix it. I hole myself up in my little room and don't let anyone in. It doesn't matter who you are really. And then, when I get brave enough to let it all out, it is scary. Like horror movie, run, scary.

So, I like my friend, maybe. I can't tell. It has been so long and maybe I am just so lonely. Am I trying to settle for what is there, what is maybe there, what could be there? This is what I am trying to find out. It could be a completely moot point because I have given up on trying any silly girl business - being the pursuer in disguise and then poof! acting like the guy pursued the girl. None of that. I am waiting and waiting and nothing is going anywhere. My friend, if you ever read this, you will have to pursue me. If this doesn't happen, then nothing will happen and my heart will slowly shatter into a thousand pieces once again. It doesn't take much to break it anymore since its only being held together by ribbons and glue.

How do you do it? How do you push to the next level without being ridiculous? Without being sneaky or deceitful? How do you tell? Is there something there? Has there ever been?