Again, and again.

Old book, same story. Joseph Brumback. The bain of my existence. Why is my heart set on this person? Isn't there something bigger, better? Are You going to knock my socks off one day and make Joe seem like a cruel joke? Or is this just a test to see the sins I fall into again and again? Am I going to have an "aha" moment sometime soon? My heart is lost right there. Show me Your timing, Your will, because I cannot imagine anyone else. Let him be honest with me for once. Does he think about me "that way"? Does he want the family, the kids, the adventure? When do I stop? How can I stop? My heart is there with him, in his hands. How do I get it back? I feel to old to start something new. My heart's desire is a faily and children and You know that better than anyone, so why can't I have that? I would gladly give up everything (but Sophia) to have this. I couldn't trade her for anything. But I want the rest. I want out of this house, out of this life. I want friends and family. I want a home, a house, something that is mine. Somewhere I can invite people over, somewhere I can breathe. Yes, literally breathe. I want someone who wants me as much as I want them. I don't want drama and tragedy. Thi sis where I should know better about Joe. This is where he fails. He is not a hunter, a pursuer. I want to be sought after. Half of this is my fault. I make it too easy. He knows I will do all of the work. He knows I will wait and pine after him, that I will call or text or email. He knows way too much. I have lost the mystery. It has been way too long. These are such lost causes. I am just waiting for that fairy tale, that person I've known in my past coming back to rescue me from my current state. I want to be rescued but I don't want to wait. I want it all and I want it now. (A little Willy Wonka and Sharpay Evans) But it's true. I am tired of waiting. I am tired of seeing my friends "in love" and ceasing to have kids because it is "too much". It's not fair. Don't they see the great gift they have been given? That is selfish. Yes, I want these things, but to create blessings. I feel stuck in this horrible place with no one to talk to, no one to turn to. I hate it. I hate being here, being without, being left out. Where do I go? What should I do? I want answers. I am tired of silence. A no is way better than silence. Should I send him the letters, should I show him these pages? I need to be vulnerable, I need to show him my heart, and if he turns it away, then I will trust in You and that You have something better for me. I need to quit because it almost hurts too much. I am trying way to hard to satisfy someone who isn't there or doesn't show me that he is willing to reciprocate.