Um yeah. Sorry. It's been a rough few weeks. Hospitals and car wrecks, but completely unrelated. So I think I am in love with a boy who will never commit. And he is texting. So I must get back. I'll fill you in and let you know what is up in the air later.

I am having such a rough day today... Or yesterday to be technical. I essentially broke up, if we were even dating, with my dating site match. Truth is we have been talking for months and have gone out and I thought he could be it. Based on his profile, he didn't want to play games and wanted a serious relationship. Well today, he just can't commit. Oh wait... could it be because I won't fool around or whatever you kids call it these days. Well, this, along with watching the bachelor Jake, discard the super nice girl for the one he would rather sleep with, has propelled me into the inevitable truth that I may in fact be single forever. Everything in the world right now is telling me that if you are nice and only want to sleep with one man forever, you won't get the final rose...

Lost in looking for love...

So, here I am, almost thirty years old, without a job and without a husband, boyfriend... So I have decided to do something about it - write. I am a fanatic of the romantic comedy and am sorely dissappointed each time one of the stories plays out in my life and I don't get the typical romantic comedy ending. I am still single, you see. I have decided to take action and find that guy (maybe with some help, please) and chronicle my life as each romantic comedy I watch comes to life.

First lets get a few things straight. I do believe in the happy ending, love at first sight and all of that other mushy stuff. I just can't seem to get it right. I am over-eager and over-analytical in everything that I do. I really do expect things to be perfect and just fall into place. A reality, I am learning, that doesn't always happen. I am hopeful though. I know it can happen and I am determined to let it happen to me. I am certainly keeping my eyes, and heart, open.

I don't know how I am going to do it yet, but I plan on channeling my many years of romantic comedy experience into finding "the one". As I meet and date these men, I will let you know how things go and how it relates to the theories found in one of my many favorite films. Lets hope that I can meet some guys...

Same old, same old.

It's sad that it has been months since I have been here and the problem is the same - Joe. What else can I say? It goes on and on. Games forever. He claims he would never want to hurt me, but all that he does is hurt me. Every day he won't just give it a chance. This is ridiculous. I need to just quit him. The tears and the never-ending hope that something that will neer happen isn't worth any of it. Maybe if I spent more time praying for him than pining after him, I would get so much further (not with him, but with my heart). I will never be able to move on unless I can let him go. Should I just be straight forward with him for the nine-hundreth time? Or do I just exit quietly? What is the best approach here? Do I leave myself wondering or do I just know in my heart that he won't come around? Terrel had the best point that when "the" guy comes around, he will put them all to shame. My heart just needs to be in the right place. I want so badly to have a family and a husband to serve. I know I have the family, but I want a home of my own. Is this so selfish?

The Easiest Way.

The easiest way to lose something is to want it too much.

Is that what is happening here? My heart is sinking into my chest. It is pounding and my stomach is fluttering just thinking about what could happen or what couldn't happen. How can I want something so badly, not knowing half of what it is or who he is? It is so difficult not knowing all the details of the plan You have in store for me. I don't know that I would want to know if it doesn't include my darkest desires. And perhaps that is why we don't. You know the best plan for our lives and ultimately our darkest desire might not be the best plan. Who knew that having this sweet darling of a child would be the perfect plan for me? Who knows what would have happened if I had chosen my path.

Why do I want him sooo much? It isn't just about the physical things - I wonder if it is just that for him? From that first moment I saw him at Chris and Anne's, there was something there - something I wanted to know more about. Then he pursued me - asked me from Cory's house. I just wonder if there is anything more there for him. When I ask, he says he would be interested if circumstances were different - if we lived closer. If... there is always an if. Should there be an if? I don't know... where would my boundary be, where would I call my if out. I need to have a way to say no. To not always give in to him. I don't know where my boundary with him is. Please guide me so I don't lose him. Don't want it too badly!

REMINDER to self

I have to remember - HE IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND! I need to just relax for a while because I think my emotions are getting out of control. I don't like the power that I am giving him over me. I am waiting by the phone, looking for his emails - this is RIDICULOUS - I am done. He cannot take this control. No matter what happens or what is planned, I will not give him the power over me unless he gives me a commitment. I need to find my thoughts somewhere else...

Psalm 25:5 Lead me in your truth and teach me for you are the God of my salvation, for you I wait all the day long.

How appropriate - my thoughts need to be with the Lord, not worried about a boy. It's so difficult wanting a husband and a whole family so badly and waiting on the Lord to provide it. I know if it is willed, it will happen. It's so hard. I want to believe it, but my soul is aching for that companionship. It is so decietful and almost tricky. Joe gives me half of that now... but I want it all and I don't know if he is just afraid to commit or if he is playing a game. I really wish he could be honest about his feelings and then be honest with me. Ugh... this boy, what spell has he cast on me?