This is it?

So, this is life. One dramatic pitfall after another. I cannot find a job that keeps my attention longer than a month and I suck at relationships. Really. I don't know who to talk to other than my little blogger friend here that no one really reads. I am burying myself in a pit of self loathing and it is hard to find a way out.  I really need something to go right. Something positive, now. Not something that is building to positivity later. I need a result. Something to let me know that I can keep pressing on and it will one day all be worth this suffering. (Minimal suffering, as it could always be worse, but seems terrible in the state that I am currently in.) I am crying out and am on my knees, begging for some mercy to keep me going. I often feel as if I should just give up, just stop what I am doing and remain in this self pity. I truly know that nothing can satisfy me but my relationship with Christ, but a few things here on Earth would be fantastic. Something to stop the tears from forming every time I get another blow. I am torn, tattered and bruised and I just need ice or a bandage or something. Close one wound so I can work through the pain of the next.

Back and tormented as ever.

This time no naming names. I am in turmoil. I like my friend, maybe. It's like a Carly Rae Jepsen song, but you have my number and I want to go out, maybe.

Are we capable of having a "just friend" of the opposite sex? I'm beginning to doubt it. Feelings, they just happen. They are there no matter how hard you try and suppress them and then, someone gets hurt. And just to note, that someone is likely going to be me. I am terrible at relationships and people and I don't know how to fix it. I hole myself up in my little room and don't let anyone in. It doesn't matter who you are really. And then, when I get brave enough to let it all out, it is scary. Like horror movie, run, scary.

So, I like my friend, maybe. I can't tell. It has been so long and maybe I am just so lonely. Am I trying to settle for what is there, what is maybe there, what could be there? This is what I am trying to find out. It could be a completely moot point because I have given up on trying any silly girl business - being the pursuer in disguise and then poof! acting like the guy pursued the girl. None of that. I am waiting and waiting and nothing is going anywhere. My friend, if you ever read this, you will have to pursue me. If this doesn't happen, then nothing will happen and my heart will slowly shatter into a thousand pieces once again. It doesn't take much to break it anymore since its only being held together by ribbons and glue.

How do you do it? How do you push to the next level without being ridiculous? Without being sneaky or deceitful? How do you tell? Is there something there? Has there ever been?

Today

Today, I feel refreshed. I feel good. I took some time for me and intended it to be for me. I recruited a friend and just had a good day. Friends. Nothing more. No thinking if he was interested in me, no thinking about where it was going to go. Just eating and talking - being real. Thank you Taylor. It was fun. I had such a great time. I say this, because I realized the other day that I am nearly incapable of seeing, being around, or talking to a single guy without weighing his potential immediately. It is my biggest flaw. I am stuck in this judgement mode from the moment I meet them because I so badly want to be in that place. I can't shake it. I hate it. I didn't do it with Taylor, but when we walked into the coffee shop, I was sizing up every "eligible" male in the place and comparing them. I need to stop. For me, there is the "Joe" scale - do they compare, could they compare... To quote myself - It is ridiculous! I think I am finally in a place to do it. I am going to send him the "letter" and the pages. Its time he knew what he does to me, and it either needs to stop or develop. I am tired of being in the place we are. I might lose the hope I have, but it will be healthy for my heart and my mind.

Again, and again.

Old book, same story. Joseph Brumback. The bain of my existence. Why is my heart set on this person? Isn't there something bigger, better? Are You going to knock my socks off one day and make Joe seem like a cruel joke? Or is this just a test to see the sins I fall into again and again? Am I going to have an "aha" moment sometime soon? My heart is lost right there. Show me Your timing, Your will, because I cannot imagine anyone else. Let him be honest with me for once. Does he think about me "that way"? Does he want the family, the kids, the adventure? When do I stop? How can I stop? My heart is there with him, in his hands. How do I get it back? I feel to old to start something new. My heart's desire is a faily and children and You know that better than anyone, so why can't I have that? I would gladly give up everything (but Sophia) to have this. I couldn't trade her for anything. But I want the rest. I want out of this house, out of this life. I want friends and family. I want a home, a house, something that is mine. Somewhere I can invite people over, somewhere I can breathe. Yes, literally breathe. I want someone who wants me as much as I want them. I don't want drama and tragedy. Thi sis where I should know better about Joe. This is where he fails. He is not a hunter, a pursuer. I want to be sought after. Half of this is my fault. I make it too easy. He knows I will do all of the work. He knows I will wait and pine after him, that I will call or text or email. He knows way too much. I have lost the mystery. It has been way too long. These are such lost causes. I am just waiting for that fairy tale, that person I've known in my past coming back to rescue me from my current state. I want to be rescued but I don't want to wait. I want it all and I want it now. (A little Willy Wonka and Sharpay Evans) But it's true. I am tired of waiting. I am tired of seeing my friends "in love" and ceasing to have kids because it is "too much". It's not fair. Don't they see the great gift they have been given? That is selfish. Yes, I want these things, but to create blessings. I feel stuck in this horrible place with no one to talk to, no one to turn to. I hate it. I hate being here, being without, being left out. Where do I go? What should I do? I want answers. I am tired of silence. A no is way better than silence. Should I send him the letters, should I show him these pages? I need to be vulnerable, I need to show him my heart, and if he turns it away, then I will trust in You and that You have something better for me. I need to quit because it almost hurts too much. I am trying way to hard to satisfy someone who isn't there or doesn't show me that he is willing to reciprocate.

Annoying Song Quoting

I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us, how we met and the sparks flew instantly. And people would say that we're the lucky ones... Oh, a simple complication, a miscommunication leads to fall out. So many things that I wish you knew, so many walls up I can't break through. Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking and I'm dying to know if its killing you like its killing me... And the story of us is starting to look like a tragedy now. Oh, I'm scared to see the ending, why are we pretending this is nothing. I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how. I've never heard a silence quite this loud. This is looking like a contest to see who could act like they care less, but I liked it better when you were on my side. This battle is in your hands now, but I would lay my armor down if you said you would rather love than fight. So many things that you wish I knew, but the story of us might be ending soon. The end.

Ugh.

The way you move is like a full on rainstorm and I'm a house of cards. You're the kind of reckless that should send me running, but I kinda know that I won't get far. And you stood there in front of me, just close enough to touch, close enough to hope you couldn't see what I was thinking of. My mind forgets to remind me that you're a bad idea. You touch me once and it's really something - you find I'm even better than you imagined I would be. I'm on my guard for the rest of the world, but with you I know it's no good. And I could wait patiently, but I really wish you would drop everything now, meet me in the pouring rain, kiss me on the sidewalk, take away the pain. Cause I see sparks fly whenever you smile. You get me with those green eyes, baby, as the lights go down. Give me something that'll haunt me when you're not around. I'll run my fingers through your hair and watch the lights go wild. Just keep on keeping your eyes on me. It's just wrong enough to make it feel right. And lead me up the staircase, won't you whisper soft and slow. I'm captivated by you baby, like a fireworks show.

Double ugh.

I'm definitely falling. Falling in love with a boy. Falling in love with an idea of a boy. Falling. That's all I can say. I want to hear it from him, that we are an item, a thing. Exclusive. He won't mess around with other girls. It's hard. He's there, I'm here. But that's what I think we need. We need to build the emotional connection, the get to know you stage. The physical connection is there for sure. Nobody could deny that. He can't deny that. But how long do you wait? It's been 7 years! He can't commit... Or can he? He owns a house. He figures stuff out, but it's hard to jump into one girl forever, especially when you can't dent she's the one. Is this what he's thinking? I wish I knew what he was thinking. I always push too hard and they run away. I don't sant him to run away. But how do I let him know what I am feeling and find out what he is feeling if I don't push a little? He's closed off a little, he doesn't share unless you push. I just don't want to go too far because I think, I know, I hope he's THE one. Help!

How do you know hes the one? What if I'm not his one? How can there be soo much chemistry but no commitment? I want to be with him so terribly bad, but the timing is always off. It's been 7 years. SEVEN! Hard to believe. But there is still a spark. It just needs the fuel to make it burn. Can I get some of that fuel, please? I am in some aspects tired of waiting. If not for him in particular, for any him that can ce THE him. I want a family and a home that is my own. I want to wake up and have him there. I want to go to sleep knowing he isn't going anywhere. I want family game night and laughs and special moments. I want romance and mystery and everything. I want someone to call me their own. I want my identity in another. It's belonging, being wanted, desired. I want that connection, that security. I want the ups and downs and inside outs. The bad, the good. Why am I set to wait soo long? You know this is my desire. Reveal to me the one. Give me that relationship. Shine the light in this area of my life. I don't want to be alone anymore.