The Easiest Way.

The easiest way to lose something is to want it too much.

Is that what is happening here? My heart is sinking into my chest. It is pounding and my stomach is fluttering just thinking about what could happen or what couldn't happen. How can I want something so badly, not knowing half of what it is or who he is? It is so difficult not knowing all the details of the plan You have in store for me. I don't know that I would want to know if it doesn't include my darkest desires. And perhaps that is why we don't. You know the best plan for our lives and ultimately our darkest desire might not be the best plan. Who knew that having this sweet darling of a child would be the perfect plan for me? Who knows what would have happened if I had chosen my path.

Why do I want him sooo much? It isn't just about the physical things - I wonder if it is just that for him? From that first moment I saw him at Chris and Anne's, there was something there - something I wanted to know more about. Then he pursued me - asked me from Cory's house. I just wonder if there is anything more there for him. When I ask, he says he would be interested if circumstances were different - if we lived closer. If... there is always an if. Should there be an if? I don't know... where would my boundary be, where would I call my if out. I need to have a way to say no. To not always give in to him. I don't know where my boundary with him is. Please guide me so I don't lose him. Don't want it too badly!

REMINDER to self

I have to remember - HE IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND! I need to just relax for a while because I think my emotions are getting out of control. I don't like the power that I am giving him over me. I am waiting by the phone, looking for his emails - this is RIDICULOUS - I am done. He cannot take this control. No matter what happens or what is planned, I will not give him the power over me unless he gives me a commitment. I need to find my thoughts somewhere else...

Psalm 25:5 Lead me in your truth and teach me for you are the God of my salvation, for you I wait all the day long.

How appropriate - my thoughts need to be with the Lord, not worried about a boy. It's so difficult wanting a husband and a whole family so badly and waiting on the Lord to provide it. I know if it is willed, it will happen. It's so hard. I want to believe it, but my soul is aching for that companionship. It is so decietful and almost tricky. Joe gives me half of that now... but I want it all and I don't know if he is just afraid to commit or if he is playing a game. I really wish he could be honest about his feelings and then be honest with me. Ugh... this boy, what spell has he cast on me?

Frustrated

This boy has got me soo.... so frustrated. And so crazy in love or something. All I can think about is him and how long it has been and how long it will be until I see him again. Could he be "the one"? Until recently, he would always be the one to call or initiate any contact. The people that know the both of us say it is near impossible to "catch" Joe, but is he not already caught? I wish I knew what was going on in his mind... I wish he would let me know what was going on.