This is it?

So, this is life. One dramatic pitfall after another. I cannot find a job that keeps my attention longer than a month and I suck at relationships. Really. I don't know who to talk to other than my little blogger friend here that no one really reads. I am burying myself in a pit of self loathing and it is hard to find a way out.  I really need something to go right. Something positive, now. Not something that is building to positivity later. I need a result. Something to let me know that I can keep pressing on and it will one day all be worth this suffering. (Minimal suffering, as it could always be worse, but seems terrible in the state that I am currently in.) I am crying out and am on my knees, begging for some mercy to keep me going. I often feel as if I should just give up, just stop what I am doing and remain in this self pity. I truly know that nothing can satisfy me but my relationship with Christ, but a few things here on Earth would be fantastic. Something to stop the tears from forming every time I get another blow. I am torn, tattered and bruised and I just need ice or a bandage or something. Close one wound so I can work through the pain of the next.

Back and tormented as ever.

This time no naming names. I am in turmoil. I like my friend, maybe. It's like a Carly Rae Jepsen song, but you have my number and I want to go out, maybe.

Are we capable of having a "just friend" of the opposite sex? I'm beginning to doubt it. Feelings, they just happen. They are there no matter how hard you try and suppress them and then, someone gets hurt. And just to note, that someone is likely going to be me. I am terrible at relationships and people and I don't know how to fix it. I hole myself up in my little room and don't let anyone in. It doesn't matter who you are really. And then, when I get brave enough to let it all out, it is scary. Like horror movie, run, scary.

So, I like my friend, maybe. I can't tell. It has been so long and maybe I am just so lonely. Am I trying to settle for what is there, what is maybe there, what could be there? This is what I am trying to find out. It could be a completely moot point because I have given up on trying any silly girl business - being the pursuer in disguise and then poof! acting like the guy pursued the girl. None of that. I am waiting and waiting and nothing is going anywhere. My friend, if you ever read this, you will have to pursue me. If this doesn't happen, then nothing will happen and my heart will slowly shatter into a thousand pieces once again. It doesn't take much to break it anymore since its only being held together by ribbons and glue.

How do you do it? How do you push to the next level without being ridiculous? Without being sneaky or deceitful? How do you tell? Is there something there? Has there ever been?

Today

Today, I feel refreshed. I feel good. I took some time for me and intended it to be for me. I recruited a friend and just had a good day. Friends. Nothing more. No thinking if he was interested in me, no thinking about where it was going to go. Just eating and talking - being real. Thank you Taylor. It was fun. I had such a great time. I say this, because I realized the other day that I am nearly incapable of seeing, being around, or talking to a single guy without weighing his potential immediately. It is my biggest flaw. I am stuck in this judgement mode from the moment I meet them because I so badly want to be in that place. I can't shake it. I hate it. I didn't do it with Taylor, but when we walked into the coffee shop, I was sizing up every "eligible" male in the place and comparing them. I need to stop. For me, there is the "Joe" scale - do they compare, could they compare... To quote myself - It is ridiculous! I think I am finally in a place to do it. I am going to send him the "letter" and the pages. Its time he knew what he does to me, and it either needs to stop or develop. I am tired of being in the place we are. I might lose the hope I have, but it will be healthy for my heart and my mind.

Again, and again.

Old book, same story. Joseph Brumback. The bain of my existence. Why is my heart set on this person? Isn't there something bigger, better? Are You going to knock my socks off one day and make Joe seem like a cruel joke? Or is this just a test to see the sins I fall into again and again? Am I going to have an "aha" moment sometime soon? My heart is lost right there. Show me Your timing, Your will, because I cannot imagine anyone else. Let him be honest with me for once. Does he think about me "that way"? Does he want the family, the kids, the adventure? When do I stop? How can I stop? My heart is there with him, in his hands. How do I get it back? I feel to old to start something new. My heart's desire is a faily and children and You know that better than anyone, so why can't I have that? I would gladly give up everything (but Sophia) to have this. I couldn't trade her for anything. But I want the rest. I want out of this house, out of this life. I want friends and family. I want a home, a house, something that is mine. Somewhere I can invite people over, somewhere I can breathe. Yes, literally breathe. I want someone who wants me as much as I want them. I don't want drama and tragedy. Thi sis where I should know better about Joe. This is where he fails. He is not a hunter, a pursuer. I want to be sought after. Half of this is my fault. I make it too easy. He knows I will do all of the work. He knows I will wait and pine after him, that I will call or text or email. He knows way too much. I have lost the mystery. It has been way too long. These are such lost causes. I am just waiting for that fairy tale, that person I've known in my past coming back to rescue me from my current state. I want to be rescued but I don't want to wait. I want it all and I want it now. (A little Willy Wonka and Sharpay Evans) But it's true. I am tired of waiting. I am tired of seeing my friends "in love" and ceasing to have kids because it is "too much". It's not fair. Don't they see the great gift they have been given? That is selfish. Yes, I want these things, but to create blessings. I feel stuck in this horrible place with no one to talk to, no one to turn to. I hate it. I hate being here, being without, being left out. Where do I go? What should I do? I want answers. I am tired of silence. A no is way better than silence. Should I send him the letters, should I show him these pages? I need to be vulnerable, I need to show him my heart, and if he turns it away, then I will trust in You and that You have something better for me. I need to quit because it almost hurts too much. I am trying way to hard to satisfy someone who isn't there or doesn't show me that he is willing to reciprocate.

Annoying Song Quoting

I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us, how we met and the sparks flew instantly. And people would say that we're the lucky ones... Oh, a simple complication, a miscommunication leads to fall out. So many things that I wish you knew, so many walls up I can't break through. Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking and I'm dying to know if its killing you like its killing me... And the story of us is starting to look like a tragedy now. Oh, I'm scared to see the ending, why are we pretending this is nothing. I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how. I've never heard a silence quite this loud. This is looking like a contest to see who could act like they care less, but I liked it better when you were on my side. This battle is in your hands now, but I would lay my armor down if you said you would rather love than fight. So many things that you wish I knew, but the story of us might be ending soon. The end.

Ugh.

The way you move is like a full on rainstorm and I'm a house of cards. You're the kind of reckless that should send me running, but I kinda know that I won't get far. And you stood there in front of me, just close enough to touch, close enough to hope you couldn't see what I was thinking of. My mind forgets to remind me that you're a bad idea. You touch me once and it's really something - you find I'm even better than you imagined I would be. I'm on my guard for the rest of the world, but with you I know it's no good. And I could wait patiently, but I really wish you would drop everything now, meet me in the pouring rain, kiss me on the sidewalk, take away the pain. Cause I see sparks fly whenever you smile. You get me with those green eyes, baby, as the lights go down. Give me something that'll haunt me when you're not around. I'll run my fingers through your hair and watch the lights go wild. Just keep on keeping your eyes on me. It's just wrong enough to make it feel right. And lead me up the staircase, won't you whisper soft and slow. I'm captivated by you baby, like a fireworks show.

Double ugh.

I'm definitely falling. Falling in love with a boy. Falling in love with an idea of a boy. Falling. That's all I can say. I want to hear it from him, that we are an item, a thing. Exclusive. He won't mess around with other girls. It's hard. He's there, I'm here. But that's what I think we need. We need to build the emotional connection, the get to know you stage. The physical connection is there for sure. Nobody could deny that. He can't deny that. But how long do you wait? It's been 7 years! He can't commit... Or can he? He owns a house. He figures stuff out, but it's hard to jump into one girl forever, especially when you can't dent she's the one. Is this what he's thinking? I wish I knew what he was thinking. I always push too hard and they run away. I don't sant him to run away. But how do I let him know what I am feeling and find out what he is feeling if I don't push a little? He's closed off a little, he doesn't share unless you push. I just don't want to go too far because I think, I know, I hope he's THE one. Help!

How do you know hes the one? What if I'm not his one? How can there be soo much chemistry but no commitment? I want to be with him so terribly bad, but the timing is always off. It's been 7 years. SEVEN! Hard to believe. But there is still a spark. It just needs the fuel to make it burn. Can I get some of that fuel, please? I am in some aspects tired of waiting. If not for him in particular, for any him that can ce THE him. I want a family and a home that is my own. I want to wake up and have him there. I want to go to sleep knowing he isn't going anywhere. I want family game night and laughs and special moments. I want romance and mystery and everything. I want someone to call me their own. I want my identity in another. It's belonging, being wanted, desired. I want that connection, that security. I want the ups and downs and inside outs. The bad, the good. Why am I set to wait soo long? You know this is my desire. Reveal to me the one. Give me that relationship. Shine the light in this area of my life. I don't want to be alone anymore.

Why do we want to fall in love so badly? Why do we long for that companionship of another person til death do us part? Why does it seem so out of reach for some of us? I truly long for the day that I can have a best friend to share every detail with...the goods, the bads, the ups and downs. I want a home and a big family and I can only begin to dream of what it is like. I also feel like it will only ever be a dream.

Um yeah. Sorry. It's been a rough few weeks. Hospitals and car wrecks, but completely unrelated. So I think I am in love with a boy who will never commit. And he is texting. So I must get back. I'll fill you in and let you know what is up in the air later.

I am having such a rough day today... Or yesterday to be technical. I essentially broke up, if we were even dating, with my dating site match. Truth is we have been talking for months and have gone out and I thought he could be it. Based on his profile, he didn't want to play games and wanted a serious relationship. Well today, he just can't commit. Oh wait... could it be because I won't fool around or whatever you kids call it these days. Well, this, along with watching the bachelor Jake, discard the super nice girl for the one he would rather sleep with, has propelled me into the inevitable truth that I may in fact be single forever. Everything in the world right now is telling me that if you are nice and only want to sleep with one man forever, you won't get the final rose...

Lost in looking for love...

So, here I am, almost thirty years old, without a job and without a husband, boyfriend... So I have decided to do something about it - write. I am a fanatic of the romantic comedy and am sorely dissappointed each time one of the stories plays out in my life and I don't get the typical romantic comedy ending. I am still single, you see. I have decided to take action and find that guy (maybe with some help, please) and chronicle my life as each romantic comedy I watch comes to life.

First lets get a few things straight. I do believe in the happy ending, love at first sight and all of that other mushy stuff. I just can't seem to get it right. I am over-eager and over-analytical in everything that I do. I really do expect things to be perfect and just fall into place. A reality, I am learning, that doesn't always happen. I am hopeful though. I know it can happen and I am determined to let it happen to me. I am certainly keeping my eyes, and heart, open.

I don't know how I am going to do it yet, but I plan on channeling my many years of romantic comedy experience into finding "the one". As I meet and date these men, I will let you know how things go and how it relates to the theories found in one of my many favorite films. Lets hope that I can meet some guys...

Same old, same old.

It's sad that it has been months since I have been here and the problem is the same - Joe. What else can I say? It goes on and on. Games forever. He claims he would never want to hurt me, but all that he does is hurt me. Every day he won't just give it a chance. This is ridiculous. I need to just quit him. The tears and the never-ending hope that something that will neer happen isn't worth any of it. Maybe if I spent more time praying for him than pining after him, I would get so much further (not with him, but with my heart). I will never be able to move on unless I can let him go. Should I just be straight forward with him for the nine-hundreth time? Or do I just exit quietly? What is the best approach here? Do I leave myself wondering or do I just know in my heart that he won't come around? Terrel had the best point that when "the" guy comes around, he will put them all to shame. My heart just needs to be in the right place. I want so badly to have a family and a husband to serve. I know I have the family, but I want a home of my own. Is this so selfish?

The Easiest Way.

The easiest way to lose something is to want it too much.

Is that what is happening here? My heart is sinking into my chest. It is pounding and my stomach is fluttering just thinking about what could happen or what couldn't happen. How can I want something so badly, not knowing half of what it is or who he is? It is so difficult not knowing all the details of the plan You have in store for me. I don't know that I would want to know if it doesn't include my darkest desires. And perhaps that is why we don't. You know the best plan for our lives and ultimately our darkest desire might not be the best plan. Who knew that having this sweet darling of a child would be the perfect plan for me? Who knows what would have happened if I had chosen my path.

Why do I want him sooo much? It isn't just about the physical things - I wonder if it is just that for him? From that first moment I saw him at Chris and Anne's, there was something there - something I wanted to know more about. Then he pursued me - asked me from Cory's house. I just wonder if there is anything more there for him. When I ask, he says he would be interested if circumstances were different - if we lived closer. If... there is always an if. Should there be an if? I don't know... where would my boundary be, where would I call my if out. I need to have a way to say no. To not always give in to him. I don't know where my boundary with him is. Please guide me so I don't lose him. Don't want it too badly!

REMINDER to self

I have to remember - HE IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND! I need to just relax for a while because I think my emotions are getting out of control. I don't like the power that I am giving him over me. I am waiting by the phone, looking for his emails - this is RIDICULOUS - I am done. He cannot take this control. No matter what happens or what is planned, I will not give him the power over me unless he gives me a commitment. I need to find my thoughts somewhere else...

Psalm 25:5 Lead me in your truth and teach me for you are the God of my salvation, for you I wait all the day long.

How appropriate - my thoughts need to be with the Lord, not worried about a boy. It's so difficult wanting a husband and a whole family so badly and waiting on the Lord to provide it. I know if it is willed, it will happen. It's so hard. I want to believe it, but my soul is aching for that companionship. It is so decietful and almost tricky. Joe gives me half of that now... but I want it all and I don't know if he is just afraid to commit or if he is playing a game. I really wish he could be honest about his feelings and then be honest with me. Ugh... this boy, what spell has he cast on me?

Frustrated

This boy has got me soo.... so frustrated. And so crazy in love or something. All I can think about is him and how long it has been and how long it will be until I see him again. Could he be "the one"? Until recently, he would always be the one to call or initiate any contact. The people that know the both of us say it is near impossible to "catch" Joe, but is he not already caught? I wish I knew what was going on in his mind... I wish he would let me know what was going on.

What If...

What if, just what if... you're in love with someone who appears to feel the same way, but is horrible at the commitment? I've known Joe for about 5 years now and from the moment I saw him, I just knew. And now, being apart, my mind frequently wanders his way. My stomach turns in knows and I just want to know more. The problem is, he is so distant from everything. He keeps secrets and won't open up - it leaves a lot of unanswered questions.